Exploring Ethical Non-Monogamy: Growth, Communication, and New Experiences
TikTok video from 2022-01-12
So, let’s start with the fun stuff! I went to a “play” party with my boyfriend, at a mutual friends home… His wife came a long and later we insisted that my hubby join us. Hubby was not a fan of anything having to do with BDSM, so he wanted to avoid anything that looked violent… But wax and shibari were tame enough activities that we knew he’d enjoy himself and love meeting new folks.
This worked because we were ethically non-monogamous, which for us meant that we could each explore activities, that might even include sex, with other people so that we wouldn’t be alone in that endeavor, but rather have the enthusiastic support of each other… For hubby, he had a band “wife” that he played music with for nearly a decade (actually two of them)... while those activities didn’t include sex, they were our precursor to what would eventually become our open marriage… let’s get into it…
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship framework built on honesty, mutual, enthusiastic consent, and open communication. Unlike traditional monogamy, ENM offers a space for individuals to explore multiple connections in ways that are transparent and respectful to everyone involved. My experience has been that ENM opened doors to personal growth, stronger partnerships, and fulfilling experiences that I couldn’t have experienced with just my husband.
We didn’t have the imagination or mutual interest to explore things like wax, impact, and electric play… We bought candles, and toys and what we expected to be kinky, fun things, but generally never ended up using most of them.
Not only did we not know how to use them, we didn’t have any way to LEARN how to use them that we were aware of… Of course, all of this was happening in a vacuum, because we didn’t feel comfortable talking to our friends about our interests… but once we made the decision to open things up, suddenly we had so much fun exploring to do AND we had permission to pursue the things we were interested in!
We were navigating love and relationships with a deeper understanding of our desires while celebrating the happiness of each other.—this is the essence of ENM.
What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy encompasses a variety of relationship styles that prioritize consent and ethics over traditional exclusivity. Unlike monogamy, ENM allows individuals to form connections with multiple partners, whether emotional, romantic, or sexual. The following are different types of ENM: Categories if you will…
Polyamory: Engaging in multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners.
Open Relationships: Partners agree to have sexual relationships outside their primary connection.
Swinging: Couples consensually engage in sexual activities with others, often in a social or community setting.
ENM, at its foundation, is all about open dialogue and mutual respect, ensuring ALL relationships remain consensual and transparent.
Personal Growth Through Ethical Non-Monogamy
My life completely changed when I found a community of people who were welcoming of my very naive, yet curious desire to explore play… I thought it was all sexual play and instead I discovered a whole new world of possibilities.
Through ENM, I was encouraged to step outside of my comfort zones and explore activities, hobbies, and communities that aligned with my interests. I found:
Workshops and Events: I went to a rope class to learn Shibari and had my first public scene doing wax play. None of it involved sex. All of it involved negotiation, and clear communications.
Community Involvement: I attended a local meetup to connect with like-minded individuals and found my tribe.
These experiences not only enriched my personal life but also fostered a greater sense of individuality within my relationships.
Discovering More About Yourself
One of the most profound aspects of ENM, for me, has been self-discovery. By exploring multiple connections, managing relationships with people locally and afar, I gained a great deal of insight into my desires, boundaries, and emotional triggers.
Managing Emotions: Plenty of folks experience jealousy and have to manage that. I was lucky. I didn’t. I still don’t get jealous… It comes up, but passes quickly.
Experiencing Compersion: Many in ENM communities find joy in their partner's happiness, a concept known as compersion. This is def more my speed…
I have def grown exponentially since recognizing that I’m a lover… It’s easy for me to love people… and love a lot of them at once. I find that I’m able to manage multiple relationships at the same time, and not have anyone feel left out.
The Role of Communication in Ethical Non-Monogamy
Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful ENM relationships. And it’s hard.
I have to say that this is the most challenging part of it. We might communicate, but we don’t always have the same level of communication skills so it can be difficult… We definitely struggled with communication, but what we didn’t struggle with was our commitment to each other…
Some tips for communication that are helpful… and you should def do your own research…
Active Listening: Ensure your partner feels heard and understood by fully engaging in conversations. (We weren’t great at this… we are interrupters… this was something I got better at…
Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to discuss feelings, boundaries, and concerns. Decided of weekly, monthly or quarterly works for you… It’s your relationship… do what works for you!
Transparency: Be honest about intentions, desires, and any changes in feelings or expectations. This was something I’ve always been very good with. I like clear conversations and it’s one of the reasons I specifically chose BDSM as my first venture… I knew this was a community very intent on clear communication.
Building Stronger Connections Through ENM
Building trust, empathy, and respect among all partners is essential.
Strategies for Success
Setting Boundaries: Clearly define what is acceptable within your relationships to avoid misunderstandings. Boundaries are my love language!
Respecting Individual Needs: Ensure all partners feel valued and prioritized.
Practicing Empathy: Understand and validate each partner’s feelings, fostering a supportive dynamic.
I wanted to experience deeper intimacy and these practices were essential in doing that… And then there was all the fun to be had as well!.
