Seeing Hobbies as Metamours: A New Perspective on Time, Love & Balance
TikTok video from 2022-02-01
Relationships are wild ecosystems of love, time, and emotional energy. In polyamory, we learn to navigate multiple romantic connections, understanding that our partner’s other partners—our metamours—deserve space, respect, and trust. But what if we took that same approach with something else that demands attention and affection?
For me, that moment of clarity hit when I realized my husband’s deep love for music wasn’t just a hobby—it was a full-fledged relationship. It required time and dedication, just like any romantic connection. And once I saw it as a metamour, everything changed.
When a Passion Feels Like a Third Wheel
My husband has always been obsessed with music. He plays, writes, and disappears into his creative flow for hours. Early in our marriage, I found myself getting frustrated.
I felt ignored when he chose his guitar over time with me.
I took it personally, like his music was more important than our relationship.
I struggled to express my needs without feeling like I was being clingy or unsupportive.
But then, years later, we opened our relationship, and I had to learn how to coexist with metamours. That’s when it hit me:
Music had always been his first love. It was my metamour long before I had any human ones to navigate.
The Metamour Mindset: A Game-Changer
When I started thinking about music like a metamour, my whole perspective shifted. Instead of feeling like I was competing, I saw it differently:
His love for music wasn’t a rejection of me.
It fulfilled something in him that I couldn’t—and that was okay.
I could communicate my needs without asking him to give up something that brought him joy.
Applying This to Other Hobbies & Passions
We all have something we love deeply—something that lights us up and fuels our soul. For me, it’s entrepreneurship and creative work. I get lost in projects, and my husband has had to learn to adjust to my business relationships just like I accepted his music.
Instead of taking things personally, we started supporting each other’s passions.
We got better at communicating when we needed solo time vs. quality time.
We saw each other’s drive as something to celebrate, not something to compete with.
How to Stop Feeling Neglected & Start Finding Balance
If your partner’s hobby, career, or passion ever makes you feel left out, try asking yourself:
What am I actually feeling? Do I need more quality time, reassurance, or involvement?
Is this about being neglected, or about my partner nurturing another love in their life?
Have I clearly expressed what I need, or am I expecting them to read my mind?
Once you get to the real feelings behind it, you can have a conversation that strengthens your connection instead of turning into a battle for attention.
Tips for Navigating a Partner’s Passion
Communicate Openly
Instead of: "You always choose [hobby] over me."
Try:"I love that [hobby] makes you happy, and I also miss our time together. Can we set aside a night just for us?"
Celebrate Their Passion
Rather than seeing it as a rival:
Ask them to share it with you—watch, listen, or be part of their world.
Support their milestones the way you would if they were dating someone new.
Recognize that their joy adds to your relationship, rather than taking away from it.
⏳ Create Time for Reconnection
If their passion requires a lot of solo time, balance it by:
Planning regular date nights or check-ins.
Scheduling intentional time that’s just for the two of you.
Making sure both of you feel seen and valued.
What’s Your Experience?
Have you ever felt like a partner’s hobby or career was a third party in your relationship? How did you navigate it?
Drop your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear how you find balance in love, time, and personal passion!
