Navigating Jealousy and Autonomy in Ethical Non-Monogamy
TikTok video from 2022-01-15
Jealousy is often seen as the biggest challenge in ethical non-monogamy (ENM), but in reality, it can be a powerful tool for self-growth. In my journey through non-monogamous relationships, I have encountered jealousy in unexpected ways. While I’ve never considered myself a naturally jealous person, moments of insecurity have surfaced, forcing me to confront my emotions head-on.
At the core of non-monogamy lies a delicate balance between jealousy and autonomy—allowing a partner the freedom to explore new connections while maintaining trust and emotional security. This balance isn’t always easy, but it’s one that has transformed my relationships and deepened my understanding of love.
This is a story of how I learned to navigate jealousy, embrace autonomy, and ultimately strengthen my connection with my partner, Sapio. There are other instances of jealousy that have come up, but that’s for another post…
Understanding Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Even in well-established ENM relationships, jealousy can arise. It isn’t always about possessiveness or distrust—it often stems from deeper emotions like insecurity, fear of loss, or unmet needs.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that jealousy and insecurity are not the same. Jealousy is an emotion, while insecurity is the underlying belief that fuels it. Recognizing this distinction allowed for more effective self-reflection and emotional processing when I found myself with emotions I’d never had to process before!
Jealousy isn’t an indication that something is wrong—it’s an invitation to explore what’s beneath the surface. Historically, we blame another person for “making us jealous,” when in fact, the underlying reasons we might feel jealousy are within. We are jealous for reasons that our partners have given us a chance to explore… Instead of suppressing these feelings, I’ve learned to sit with them, question them, and use them as a tool for personal growth.
The Story of Sapio – A Sapiosexual Connection
One of the most profound relationships I’ve built in my ENM journey is with Sapio, a partner whose intelligence and depth immediately captivated me. As a sapiosexual, I’m drawn to intellectual connection as much as physical attraction, and our bond was built on deep conversations, shared curiosity, and mutual exploration.
However, non-monogamy requires constant emotional flexibility. As Sapio’s dating life became more active, I found myself faced with moments of discomfort. I had always believed I was secure in my relationships, yet watching him form new connections made me realize I had emotional layers I hadn’t yet explored.
The Trigger: Rope Play and Wax Play with a New Partner
One evening, I learned that Sapio had engaged in rope play and wax play with a new partner. These were activities we had previously shared together, and that he had learned because of our connection and while I had never felt possessive before, something shifted inside me.
I felt an unexpected wave of jealousy—not because of the physical act itself, but because I had associated those experiences with our unique connection. Suddenly, it felt like something that had been "ours" was now being shared with someone else.
Rather than acting on my emotions impulsively, I took a step back to process what I was feeling. I reminded myself that love is not about ownership, and shared experiences do not diminish the bond we have. But understanding this intellectually didn’t make the emotions disappear. I had to do the inner work to navigate this moment with self-awareness and honesty.
Communication as the Key to Resolution
Instead of letting jealousy fester, I chose to talk openly with Sapio. I shared my emotions without placing blame, expressing my feelings rather than making accusations.
What I learned in this conversation was invaluable:
Sapio hadn’t intended to take anything away from our bond—he simply enjoyed exploring different experiences with different people.
His connection with his new partner didn’t change what we shared—it added to his growth, which ultimately benefited our relationship as well.
My feelings weren’t about the activity itself, but about my need for reassurance and emotional validation.
Through honest communication, we reaffirmed our trust and autonomy. I realized that my desire to keep certain experiences exclusive was more about comfort than love. Love is not about controlling experiences—it’s about sharing them freely.
Shifting Perspective: How Letting Go Strengthens the Relationship
Once I let go of my initial possessiveness, I saw how Sapio’s exploration was actually enriching our connection. He brought back new energy, insights, and emotional depth into our relationship. He was also practicing his new craft (and enjoying it), and that gave him even more confidence when we played together… While I enjoy wax play, I’m a wimp and don’t like the pain part of it, so Sapio, practicing with someone with a higher pain tolerance, helped him learn how to navigate the play for the benefit of both of us.
Instead of focusing on what was being "shared," I reframed the situation:
His experiences with others didn’t detract from what we had—they expanded it.
The skills and knowledge he gained through new connections enhanced our intimacy rather than replacing it.
By letting go of control, I opened the door for deeper trust and emotional security.
This shift in perspective was a turning point for me. I stopped seeing relationships as compartments that needed strict boundaries and instead embraced the idea that love is fluid, abundant, and limitless.
Lessons Learned About Jealousy and Growth
Through this experience, I gained key insights into navigating jealousy and autonomy in ENM:
Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it doesn’t have to dictate behavior. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean something is wrong—it means there’s an opportunity for deeper self-reflection.
Autonomy and trust are the foundation of healthy non-monogamous relationships. Controlling a partner’s experiences doesn’t create security—mutual respect and open communication do.
Reframing experiences can lead to personal and relational growth. Instead of seeing new connections as threats, view them as opportunities to expand love and deepen emotional bonds.
Conclusion
My journey through jealousy, self-reflection, and autonomy has been transformative. By facing my emotions rather than avoiding them, I’ve strengthened my relationships, deepened my sense of self, and cultivated a more fulfilling experience of love.
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t just about multiple partners—it’s about growth, trust, and emotional freedom. Letting go of possessiveness doesn’t mean letting go of love; in fact, it allows love to flourish in ways that monogamous structures often restrict.
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If you’re navigating jealousy in ethical non-monogamy, take the time to reflect on where those emotions are coming from. Communicate openly, embrace autonomy, and challenge the belief that love is finite.
Join the conversation—share your experiences, thoughts, and insights on jealousy and autonomy in ENM. Let’s build a community where love isn’t about limits, but about expansion, connection, and trust.
