Understanding Jealousy and Compersion in Ethical Non-Monogamy
TikTok video from 2022-01-14
When people hear that I practice ethical non-monogamy (ENM), one of the first questions they ask is, “Don’t you get jealous?”
The short answer? Yes, sometimes. But what I’ve learned over the years is that jealousy isn’t the enemy—it’s a teacher.
Before I opened my marriage, I assumed jealousy was a sign that something was wrong in a relationship. Now, I see it as an invitation to understand myself more deeply. But jealousy isn’t the only emotion that exists in non-monogamous relationships.
There’s another feeling that took me by surprise: compersion—the joy of seeing someone you love happy with someone else. It’s the opposite of jealousy, but that doesn’t mean the two can’t coexist. This is my journey of learning to navigate jealousy while embracing compersion, trust, and emotional security.
What Compersion Feels Like
I remember the first time I truly felt compersion.
My husband had started dating someone new, and instead of feeling anxious or insecure, I found myself smiling when he told me about their date. He was glowing, his excitement was infectious, and I felt genuinely happy for him.
It reminded me of the joy I feel when:
A close friend gets their dream job.
My child accomplishes something they’ve worked hard for.
A loved one finds happiness in a new relationship.
Compersion isn’t unique to ENM—it’s a natural feeling we all experience in different ways. It’s about celebrating the happiness of those we love, even when their joy isn’t directly tied to us.
The Role of Compersion in Ethical Non-Monogamy
In traditional relationships, love is often measured by exclusivity. We’re taught that “If you really love someone, you won’t want to share them.”
But in ENM, love isn’t about ownership—it’s about trust, autonomy, and fulfillment.
Compersion shifts the focus from possessiveness to shared joy. It allows me to recognize that my husband’s connection with someone else doesn’t diminish what we share. In fact, it often deepens our relationship, reinforcing our emotional security and communication.
When I lean into compersion, I feel:
More resilient in my relationships.
Stronger in my sense of self.
More connected to my partners.
But feeling compersion doesn’t mean I never experience jealousy. It just means I’ve learned how to navigate jealousy in a way that strengthens my relationships rather than harming them.
How I Process Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Jealousy is complex, and for me, it’s rarely about the fear of losing someone. More often, it’s about:
Comparison—worrying that my partner’s other relationships are more exciting or meaningful.
Exclusion—feeling left out when my partner has an experience that I’m not part of.
Unmet Needs—recognizing that I’m feeling disconnected or neglected.
Instead of suppressing jealousy, I’ve learned to meet it with curiosity. When jealousy arises, I ask myself:
What am I really feeling? Am I afraid of being replaced, or do I just need reassurance?
What do I need right now? More quality time? A conversation with my partner? A self-care day?
How can I communicate my feelings in a healthy way? Instead of saying, “You make me jealous,” I try, “I’m feeling insecure, and I’d love some reassurance.”
This shift in mindset has allowed me to see jealousy as a signal rather than a problem. When I acknowledge my feelings and communicate openly, my relationships become stronger, not weaker.
Strategies That Help Me Cultivate Compersion
Compersion doesn’t always come naturally—it’s something I’ve had to cultivate intentionally. Here are some practices that have helped me:
Open and honest communication – Checking in with my partners regularly and expressing both my joys and fears.
Reframing jealousy – Instead of seeing it as a threat, I try to use it as an opportunity for growth.
Celebrating my partner’s happiness – Reminding myself that their joy adds to our connection, rather than taking away from it.
Building my own life – Maintaining my personal passions, friendships, and self-care so that I feel fulfilled outside of my relationships.
Over time, as I reinforced these practices, compersion became more natural, and jealousy became less overwhelming.
A Personal Moment of Compersion
One of my favorite moments of compersion happened at a concert.
My husband, an avid musician, was performing, and his new partner was in the audience with me. As I watched her light up with admiration, I felt an unexpected wave of happiness.
Here she was, seeing him through fresh eyes, witnessing the magic of his talent just like I had years before. And instead of feeling threatened, I felt grateful—grateful that he had someone else in his life who appreciated him as much as I did.
That moment solidified something for me: Love isn’t a competition. It’s an expansion.
Conclusion
Jealousy and compersion aren’t opposites—they’re two sides of the same emotional experience in ethical non-monogamy. Learning to sit with jealousy, process it, and move toward compersion has helped me build deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
For anyone exploring ENM, my advice is this: Give yourself grace. You don’t have to be perfect at navigating jealousy. What matters is that you communicate, reflect, and keep an open heart.
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If you’re exploring ethical non-monogamy, take some time to reflect:
When have you experienced compersion?
What triggers jealousy for you, and how do you process it?
Let’s start a conversation. Share your experiences in the comments, or join a discussion in ENM communities.
Love freely. Love fully. Love without limits.
